Do you know about the unpredictable weather in Syria? Sometimes it’s Sunni, other times it’s Shiite.

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie] SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU “Uh oh” YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9 “Haha nice!”

Feminists are like proximity mines. Anything can trigger them and they blow it way out of proportion.

Teacher : What is the most common phrase used in school ? Pupil : I don’t know Teacher: Correct !

Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.

If someone was shot in a chapel… …would that count as a mass shooting?

Who’s this “moderation” people keep telling me to drink with?

Why can’t I eat just one cookie and be happy???

Interviewer: what interests you about this job? Me: the pay Interviewer: can you be more specific? Me: cash

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.