What idiot decided it should be my foot’s asleep instead of coma toes?

When I saw grown ups in public kissing I’d ask my mom, “What are they doing?” Now I wonder the same thing.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

What do you call it when you do a skateboarding trick over your parent’s genitals? A Freudian Flip.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Bill Clinton voted for Hillary Clinton in the electoral college today. First known instance of him being faithful.

Thor isn’t able to stay in hiding long He’s not a very loki guy (yeah, still a bit iffy on the wording)

Whats the most confusing day in Detroit? Fathers day.

Have you ever heard of Skrillex? Ah forget it… I was gonna make a Dubstep joke, but I’ll just drop it

What did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken? No weigh…