My sister didn’t believe me when I said I could build a car out of spaghetti……. … you should have seen her face when i drove pasta

“911, what is your emergency?” I got stuck in a beaded curtain “Again?” SEND HELP

conjunctivitis.com… … It’s a site for sore eyes.

[at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!

did u hear about the crow that landed a job? he works in a caw center. he’s winging it for now but it might take off

I once asked my friend why he only had a step ladder. He told me “I don’t know, I never knew my real ladder.”

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills. Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

Is there a mouse that doesn’t make a clicking noise as I’m trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?

Why didn’t Sug Knight talk to the police? Because the g is silent

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and an oompa loompa? If you are wise, you won’t listen to him.