Kim Jong Un walks into a bar… [removed]

When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.

What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They’re both stuck up cunts.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid North Korea’s long range missiles.

I won a swimsuit contest the other day I ate 57 swimsuits

I like turntablism. Some of the samples really speak to me.