What did the older terrorist say to the younger terrorist before he headed out for a party? Go on, have a blast.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot. Amen!

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Q: What’s small red and goes up and down? A: A tomato in an elevator.

I will name my kid Pluto When he grow up, he will ask me, “Dad, did you name me after a planet?”. And i will be like, “No:(“

Why do we call dogs, K-9? …because K-10 is for cats.

My Jewish friend always had such a positive outlook on life, even as he suffered from such horrible constipation. As he’d always say, … This two shall pass.

What did capital ‘O’ say to capital ‘Q’? “Hey, put that thing back in your trousers!”

Rihanna. Sorry, I put the punch line in the tittle.

Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.