What is live? Life is love. Whats love? Love is kissing. Whats kissing? Come here and I show you.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

This summer, while visiting Europe, I had a blast in Florence. She seemed to enjoy herself too.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower” Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up” *Hands over shower cap*

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine* age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine* age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.

I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib– I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though

i’m really nervous about getting my girlfriend’s pregnancy results back… and i’m not even the one who’ll have to raise the baby alone!

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe *takes off shoe, shakes it upside down* *Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*