Today, at the train station, my mood ring was stolen… but I’m not sure how I feel about it.

What do math and mermaids have in common? They both have an alge-bra.

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg? A. Limp biskit

I overheard a friend telling his pal “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.” “What is she doing?” the pal asks. “Waiting for me to get home.”

Why do robots never cuddle after sex? Because all a robot does is nuts and bolts.

I was in Australia once and I saw someone play Stairway to Heaven on the didgeridoo. I said “That’s Aboriginal.”

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

I’m a champion of grammar; A grampion, if you will.

“will…” *Starbucks barista squints at name on cup* “… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?” *Eminem flips table and storms out*

Klondike bars, Hitler did it for one