“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

My girlfriend told me my dick was two inches bigger than her ex!! Then it dawned on me she used to be a lesbian 🙁

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

whats white with red stripes and crawls slowly over the floor? Freshly whipped masochist!

Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar.. ..and it burns to the ground and it’s finally safe to turn the radio back on.

I made a device that lets me hear diseases. Hearing cancer is great and all, but hearing AIDS sucks.

You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

What is a Redditor’s favorite car brand? The Snoobaru.

*gets down on one knee* Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

I like my women like I I like my coffee.. Ground up and in the freezer.