Just found a hole in my sock and now I’m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.

Misunderstood gift! My lesbian neighbours gave me a rolex for my birthday. Really sweet of them, but i think they misunderstood when I said “I wanna watch””

Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel? He called it “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

What happens if you put a mirror in a garage? A mirage!

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!” [crowd goes nuts] A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes. Me: I have the reflexes of a cat. Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer* Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

What’s the difference between yogurt and the US? Yogurt’s got a culture. (no offence)

Leave it to the military to take a fun activity like a clusterfuck and put a negative spin on it.

When I’m furious at another driver I roll down my window, thrust my head out & whisper “wow you drive really inconsiderate” into the wind

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio. This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.