SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised They do not look surprised at all

People: Are you single? me: no i’m Album

Mike Tyson is a passionate, sensitive man, who cries after making love. …because of the mace.

Olympic Sailing results are in! Denmark have taken gold Finland have taken silver Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 34, looking for some action!”, so I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.

Actual voice mail: “Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

I haven’t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn’t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I’ve told to cops.

Guy walks up to a Canadian and says “Who was that lady I saw you with last night?” The Canadian says “That was my wife.”

I hate when I mean to type ‘porn links’ but I type ‘pork links’ and then suddenly I’m horny AND hungry.

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day… Give him a religion and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.