What does a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, and a wife have in common? Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house.

There are four states of matter: Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.

I hate when I can’t find a decent status update to steal.

There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.

What type of rock is this Holmes? It’s sedimentary my dear Watson!

Bathroom joke What’s the difference between sanctuary and prison? Toilet paper.

3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack.

What do grapefruit and vaginas have in common? The pinker the better and they’re both an acquired taste.

Kids these days have Wikipedia… When I was a kid, all I had was a drunk uncle.

I’m on a version of the Paleo Diet where I eat anything I want knowing that my fossilized remains will be plenty thin in 2.5 million years.