Twitter has ruined me. Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

sorry I had to unfriend you on Facebook after you accepted my Facebook friend request one second after I sent it to you at 3 in the morning

A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin. It eats shoots and leaves.

What would you call a restaurant for anorexics? The Empty Plate…

If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I’ve got some news for her.

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.

How does Michael J Fox take his martinis? Shaken. Not stirred

A recent report shows that Gangs are now using dogs instead of knives, I tried this. My toast was very hairy

Hi my name is Richard. I’m a husband and it’s been 3 months since my last decision.