What’s Richard Nixon’s favorite game? I spy.

Looks like Trump is going to lose the presidency I guess his erection is going cost him the election

What’s the difference between a Jew and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney 🙁

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

A big upside to marriage is never having to take time to google shit, your spouse already knows everything.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they come in wet and wild, and leave with your house and car.

Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.

Turns out my vasectomy didn’t stop us from having more kids. Turns out my vasectomy didn’t stop us from having more kids, it just made them a different colour.

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy.. with interlocked fingers.. INTERLOCKED FINGERS? send bail money!