What do guns and millennials have in common? You need to keep them in a safe space if you don’t want them triggered.

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw? Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

I hear the Black Knight isn’t as bad as he seems… He’s medieval

I lie in the bath for hours. But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

When I hear the word “aftermath” – it always makes me hungry. At school, lunch period followed Math class, so we ate “aftermath”

What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick in your ass

You’re so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.

Tragedy strikes us today as a local “Caution Tape” factory explodes, leaving officials unsure how to properly barricade the area

Have you heard the one about the jump rope never mind, just skip it.