[Twister] DOG 1: left paw green DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

Why can’t you trust any Adam? They make up everything.

How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? #

Congratulations West Ham The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

What do you call someone with one arm and no legs? Names

Amsterdam is like a tour de France – it’s full of people on bikes and drugs. — Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam

What does Batman do for Father’s Day? Nothing

You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

So, two elephants are in a bathtub, when one of them says, “pass the soap”, and the other one says, “No soap: Radio!”

A nun walks into a grocery store Nun: “Hi I’d like to buy a cucumber.” Clerk: “Well, why don’t you buy two, so you can eat one.”