Americans: Muslims are so violent Me: ok but police co- Americans: shut up. Don’t judge a group of people based off a select few.

My friend told me that he saw a bowl so big that it was the size of Australia. Which I replied, “Wanna know whats also the size of Australia? Australia.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.” -corduroys

A drunk law undergrad walks into a bar… …the invigilator kicks him out.

Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit? Because thyme heals all wounds. 😀

What’s it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that’s made in America? Antiquing.

Two guys walked into a bar… …the third one ducked.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Several toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet But I don’t know why…