Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

So, uh… How about that airplane food? Edit: I’m so sorry.

ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne

What do you call someone whose filed bankruptcy 4 times and divorced twice? A GOP Presidential candidate.

What is Jesus’ favorite video game on earth? I am bread.

Why did the chicken cross the street? **DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR LIFE!**

Why did Gateway computers go out of business? Because they led to stronger and addictive computers.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job Me: Toilet paper

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats I’m really gonna miss Tumblr.

What do a Russian pimp call his prostitute? Slobberonmadickyabitch