What did the pirate say when he turned 80? aye matey

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Failed my biology test today… …They asked, “What is commonly found in cells?” Apparently “black people” wasn’t the correct answer.

What does a Astronaut that likes to play Basketball eat for Breakfast Space Jam I hope this hasn’t been posted yet

Whats the opposite of progress? Congress

Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was two-tired. *Slaps knee* *Prosthetic leg falls off*

[blood bank] Doc inserts needle [turns around] YOU AGAIN! [vampire sucking on tube like straw] GO ON SCOOT [chases him from room with broom]

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

What’s the difference between r/politics and r/sandersforpresident? The url.