“McDonald’s sales soar thanks to all day breakfast” In unrelated news toilet paper stocks have risen and plumber businesses have been unable to keep up with demands for work.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? “Quack! Quack! Quack!”

Dudes in skinny jeans…there’s no need for sex if you’re already in her pants…

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

An Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew are sitting at a bar What a fine example of an integrated community.

Jared Fogle gets sentenced 15 1/2 years in prison At least he’ll still be able to enjoy footlongs

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

Don’t break anybody’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

I don’t get new car smell air fresheners Your ’98 Ford Taurus isn’t fooling anyone

Ain’t no party like a dyslexic party Cause a dyslexic party don’t pots.