What do you call a pimp without a cane? A caneless pimp.

Her: I love your lip gloss. What brand is it? Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It’s donut glaze.

Honey, let’s make this cactUS a cacti. What I’m saying is I want a divorce, and I’m taking the cactus with me.

What do you call a girl without arms and legs? A fuck nugget

Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.

So my buddy was going down… On his grandmother, and he told me he realized he was tasting horse semen… That’s when he thought. “I wonder if that’s what killed her or not? “

What will latent pedophiles pay a hooker extra to wear? pedo-pushers

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescendant con descending.

I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.

Policewoman: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Driver: Boobs.