Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

“Well, my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.” Bob Toblerone to rival chocolate manufacturer.

What’s my favourite kind of trans-fat? Chaz Bono

“Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex,” exclaimed my girlfriend, “I’ve had enough, I’m leaving.” I said, “Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?”

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol

What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Use a lubricant

You could tell my parents hated me… My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (RIP Rodney Dangerfield)

When it comes to distinguishing male genitalia from female genitalia… There’s a Vas Deferens.

Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don’t know it yet