Scaring the postman I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I know where he lives.

What do you a paralyzed gangster? A crip.

Wanna play guns? Bend over and I’ll cock you.

What’s the President’s favorite vegetable? Barackoli

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana

TIL if you type your password for all to see it gets censored. Look: 1337Penis Edit: GOD DANG IT

In WW2 my granddad broke the enigma code… machine.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced? Percy: Not per se

I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not. ~Drunk Pac-Man

Apparently I took my elderly neighbor’s offer to “come inside” a bit too far. Anyway, totally in jail.