I can’t figure out why my son hates me. Tim hates you? No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip? Bring two Mormons.

Who proofread Hitler’s speeches? A grammar nazi

How does a pig write home? With a pig pen.

Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

The rotation of the earth. Really makes my day.

what do you call a Cow with no legs? ground beef. what do you call a cow with three legs? lean beef. what do you call a cow with two legs? your mother.

The tip of my tongue is sore, and I just can’t think of why that is.

Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma go to a bar. They both had a great time.