Steve Jobs’s death was a conspiracy. He was murdered by his brother, Inside Jobs.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

I’m throwing a party for people who can’t ejaculate… Tell me if you can come.

What is trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada

*deathbed* All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family* getting down to this… sick… beat *dies* *widow rolls eyes*

LinkedIn would be richer than Facebook if they charged $200 to never get another email from LinkedIn.

What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

I told you I’ll be there in 5 minutes, stop calling me every half an hour!