My mom got one of the bracelets that help you with balance, so I pushed her into the shelf at walmart. It doesn’t work.

“Just Do It” – Nike/Alcohol

What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy goat? A crashing bore.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets. Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million. Kids, don’t stay in school.

What does an Asian person say when asked, “does the carpet match the drapes?” I don’t have a carpet; I have an Oriental rug.

Does Canada even have a president? Or is it just whichever moose has the strongest antlers?

Have you heard? McDonalds is partnering with Nintendo and Niantic! Prepare for trouble And make it a McDouble

What does a gay horse eat? HAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.