Did you hear about all the butterball turkeys that got recalled? The balls weren’t buttered. Thanks to my grandpa for that one. It’s his annual thanksgiving joke.

What’s the name of the yoga pose where you’re hunched over your kitchen sink shoving handfuls of cereal into your mouth?

Mark Zuckerberg stole Facebook from my friend, Craig Facebook

If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.

Hillary Clinton and Donald trump both are in the same car, who should be the driver? The police

What smells bad and sounds like a bell? Dung! Get it?!

I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.

Why do irish fried beans only have 239 beans? Because the extra bean would be too farty.

What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro? zika blyat

Bill Cosby admitted drugging women.. …when he was questioned later about how he managed to sedate so many women he said simple, I put it in their pudding. I’ll get my coat.