I love wearing my “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt… I have no friends.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

All good Dick jokes… are well concocted.

The key to success is sincerity… Once you can fake that, you’re golden.

A very short ginger joke The only soul a ginger has is on their feet.

chuck norris’s tears cure cancer, too bad he’s never cried.

*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door* *Lets nature run its course*

Real Road Signs (What they mean) “Rough road” (Road sucks) “Construction zone” (Unattended orange cone zone) “Lanes shift” (Confusing af)

What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”