Jennifer Aniston’s dance scenes as a stripper in “We’re The Miller’s” are totally Oscar worthy. Oscar is my nickname for my penis.

girl you’re like the water in flint, michigan you quench my thirst but i know you’ll slowly kill me

If you order a salad in Texas, you get a bowl of ranch dressing with a chunk of iceberg lettuce, 89 croutons & a chicken fried steak on top.

Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself? Her: What’s zombiefy? Me: …Your hair looks great!

The best thing about having a penis is .. Sharing it with people who don’t have one 😛

The best things in life are free. Stealing is awesome.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

What do you call an Alabama woman who can run faster than her brother? virgin

What’s the difference between a cockerel and a prostitute? A cockerel says cock-a-doodle-do. Whereas a prostitute says any-cock-will-do.

What did the hat say to the other hat? You stay here. I’ll go on a head.