Dont like dogs They can be a bit RUFF!

I saw the most unnecessary roundabout the other day… …it was literally pointless

Just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the England team. Yep she got off the bus look abit confused and then got back on went home.

*loses 100 pounds in the US* yes *loses 100 pounds in England* no

Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.

A: Have you heard that joke they don’t tell retards? B: No, I don’t think that I have. A: “…”

Ringing the doorbell…. …don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a cape to wear and whoosh noises to make.