There’s a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken… …It’s motherfucking good.

I can get into aquariums for free, because I donated a whale! I guess my ex’s sister was useful for something after all.

Which two regions have the most people named John? SEA / NA

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!” Doctor: “…Oops.” *slowly turns chart rightside up*

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but saran wrap… The psychiatrist looks at the man and says “I can clearly see you’re nuts…”

Fruit flies can fly, but most fruit can’t, do you know which one can? Banana Skin

My local policeman does a tall on heroin. I don’t know why, we can never understand a word he says.

I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said “Yeah, pump 6.”

Ten years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.

A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says “come on it will only take a half hour to fix”