Come this Tuesday I will no longer be a 40 year old virgin. I will be a 41 year old virgin…

Jesus, take the wheel! *steering wheel disappears* *car careens into tree*

My greek friend just got charged with necrophilia His name was Nick Fukadacarkas

I used to be poor. Then I found a thesaurus now I am impecunious.

What do you call a small dog? A subwoofer!

What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.

Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back: 1. He’s just not that into you 2. He’s imaginary 3. He’s a cat

I treat women like I do numbers…. If they’re under 16, do them in your head.

I don’t see the problem with suicide.. For me at least, it seems like a self solving issue.