If Hitler had a pet, what would it be? A dolphin

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass.

Remember the old times in the Internet? Where men are men, women are men, and the national security agents are young children.

School portraits would be way cooler if they were all mid-spaghetti-bite candids.

After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside! It was unfortunate.

[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter] Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been? Her: I have a boyfriend Me: lmao *my daughter and I high five*

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass!

What’s the worst part about viewing porn on a windows computer? The sticky keys.

[Cops at crime scene] Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet. Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

What was Monica Lewinsky’s high school yearbook superlative? Most likely to suck seed.