What begins with an “s”, ends with a “x” and leaves a guy blown away? Semtex.

What do you call a magic dog in French? A magi-chien.

What are snails trying to do? Their best

What do you call a gay drive by? A Fruit roll up

What’s the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend? Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes? Last I heard, he was still at large.

This morning I called work and told them I came down sick with Anal Glaucoma. And I couldn’t see my ass making it in to work today.