I need to do just one more beheading & this will be the best New Year’s revolution, ever!

I know sitting down to pee makes me less manly but I stand up to poop so it all pretty much evens out.

What is a nurse in the maternity ward’s favorite kind of food? Delivery.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Donald has special needs. His small hands fit perfectly around our new shovel model. ‘8:D’ Only today. Only here.

Let’s all meet at BP headquarters and pee in their lobby.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

They can’t spell for shit, but cats sure are good at Photoshopping text on photos and uploading them to the internet.

Why’d the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

Rig Sour punch straw contest http://flavors.sourpunch.com that is the link. Make a Kiwi Flavor with Super Sour topping Named Hobae