Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.

For my birthday my friends got me a sweater. I would have preferred a screamer or moaner, but a sweater was fine.

It was an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.

What do you call something that is long hard and full of semen? A Submarine.

How can you tell if a Redditor is European? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you

A baby seal… … walks into a club.

Two jumper cables walk into a bar.. The bartender says “I’m gonna serve you guys, but you have to promise not to start something”.

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to join search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Whats the difference between a duck? One foots both the same!

My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster “just for a second” whenever he drives.