What happened when Caesar’s government officials could not reach consensus? Irritable Brawls in Rome

I like my coffee how I like my women… Quiet.

Doctor Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises!

Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello kidnapper: pls stop talking

It didn’t take long for Japan to illustrate Rousey’s knockout. See? http://imgur.com/NSLx1SZ EDIT: Link works now.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

My neighbor was going out of town and asked if I’d feed their cat. I said sure… …to what?

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

What’s the definition of “relative humidity” in Arkansas? The amount of sweat you can lick off your fathers balls after sex.