The inventor of the calculator is one of the few people in life that actually made something that counts.

what idiot called it becoming a zombie and not waking up on the wrong side of the dead

A Wookie, a Stormtrooper, and Boba Fett walk in to a bar. They sit down and Boba Fett turns to the trooper and says, “I think that was the first time one of you guys actually hit something.”

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

*cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you

What do you call a pretzel with roofies in it? Forget-me-knots!

[spelling bee] Your word is “redacted” can you use it in a sentence? The is and .

Good punctuation is the difference between… Helping your friend, jack, off a horse, -or- helping your friend jack off a horse…

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie into it

What is a terrorist’s favorite wine? White Infidel.