I tried to get a guy over to fix my window screen but we couldn’t get our times to mesh.

Penis Enlarger My wife suggested I get a penis enlarger. So I did, she’s 25 and her name is Kelly.

Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.

Why did the cows cross the road? They wanted to go to the mooo….vies

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

A cabbage, a tap and a tomato had a race The Cabbage was ahead, the tap was running and the tomato tried to ketchup

girl are u a hyperlink in an email from my grandma, because I think u gave me a serious virus

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?” “Sir, this is a library.” *whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Why was the Eunich Squirrel unhappy? Because he had no nuts.