Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.

A real “nonstop flight” would be terrifying.

Oh you got “Swag”? Don’t forget to put that on your Burger King Application.

The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years.

How do you make a witch scratch? Remove the w

What’s a seal’s favorite drink? Canadian Club on the rocks.

Did year about the phone war between the iPhone 6s and Samsung s6 I hear the S6 has an edge.

Sean Connery was an excellent carpenter. he even wrote a book… “Shelf help.”

Why did Jon Snow need a new battery? For the watch.

If you visit the president of Russia….. ……be sure to Putin a good word for me.