What do you call a monkey with a white bandanna tied to his tail? A surrender monkey

This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she’s nervous, you guys.

Please stop looking so hot, I’m trying to stop liking you.

*date* GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs? LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?

My girlfriend has a poop fetish NSFW I always give her shit for it

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Mom: Wear your jeans! There are too many mosquitoes outside. Feminist daughter: Don’t teach me what not to wear. Teach the mosquitoes how not to bite.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.