What does the new socialist leader of France mean for the country, Europe, and the world? Nationalized wine.. Sounds like the right wing will have some whine too.

If I had a dollar for everytime a girl found me unattractive… …they would eventually find me attractive

If you throw a ping pong ball in the air, no less than 45 Chinese people will materialize to catch it & start a tournament.

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you going to keep them ? Stan: In the bathroom Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath ? Stan: Blindfold them !

I don’t know what I’d do without Twitter. Probably my work.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

The two minutes silence in Tesco was so well-observed you could hear a pin drop. Then my poppy fell off too.

[police raid at balloon store] Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over” Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Did you hear about how they spotted a Nazi in the sea? It’s okay, it’s just adolfin