In Canada we don’t have cars. we just float around on apology clouds and nobody ever gets sad or dies.

I didn’t text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back…

I’m glad there isn’t a pop quiz every time I claim to have read something.

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

Why did the “upright man”, a humanoid species, went extinct 70.000 years ago? Because they got homo e-rekt-us.

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Why don’t gay guys go to lesbian bars? Because they can never find a place to sit.

What do you call hundreds of crows at a Catholic church? A mass murder.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer