Whenever I see an adorable service dog and I know I can’t pet it, the greatest internal struggle of my life begins anew

I misused a comma in my last tweet and now I’m having problems with my colon. I know it has nothing to do with my period.

What do you call the sweat on the bodies of two people having sex in West Virginia? Relative Humidity

What’s the difference between a gay man and a Christian man? One fucks an asshole, the other is a fuckin’ asshole.

Donald Trump must be happy today… …now that Chyna is finally dead.

KIM JONG-UN: I’m banning sarcasm ME: well that’s just great K: what? M: I reeeally hate sarcasm K: seize him…I think

A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.

Can a women make you a millionaire Yes, if you are a billionaire Kevin hart

Just so you know, I have an Epi pen… My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I should have it.

What does an octopus take on a camping trip? Tentacles!