What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Fuck if I know.

Daughter comes home with shirt inside out. Me: Why is your shirt on wrong? Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”

what will a small left boob will say to the big right boob we are not isomorphic 😛

You ever wake up with a hangover feeling proud that you didn’t send embarrassing drunk texts the night before? What’s it like?

Batman stands high on a ledge over Gotham… “This is high. How did I get up here again? This is fun, I’m fun. I’m dressed up like a bat.”

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.

wherever this dart lands is where I’ll take a trip to *throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster* oh, well this is going to be difficult

a snare drum and crash cymbol fall out of a tree.. baduumm, tssshhh

If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis… it wouldn’t matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless

Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’