I see a border patrol car drive by… So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says “no no I only have debit card” (true story)

What one food is known to decrease sex drive in women more than any other? Wedding cake.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday… He said it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.

“Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time” linguists, supposably

If I ever have a son… I’m going to name him Bashun. And whenever our butler is unable to find him in the house he’ll call out at the top of his voice, “Master Bashun! Master Bashun where are you?”

A gorilla walks into a bar and says “I’d like a toddler on the rocks, please”

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?” me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.

How do you kill a thousand flies at once? slapping a nigerian kid in the face

Hey, I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Also tonight.