“I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don’t want a blue collar job.” – Everyone who eventually becomes a judge.

I was talking to coworkers about quitting this job and working as a pornographic actor… I decided against it, because I realized I was quitting “This fucking job for that fucking job.”

My girlfriend is from another Nation. ImagiNATION

What did the lawyers say when they finished their basketball game? Court is adjourned

TIL Lebanese people are from the fugawi tribe. When they walked out of the airport they said we’re the fugawi.

“You’re a joulepersecond!” “Wat?” “Exactly.”

What did Noah do with all the poop? Threw it overboard. it formed the UK. Taken from here: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/240xyy/brilliant_neil_degrasse_tyson_quote/ch2kcxl

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

My friend’s coming over, I’ve got to be careful… …my house mates are crazy and he’s allergic to nuts. *Yes indeed.*

So a fisherman is having an argument with a stain on his shirt.. And the stain says “I’m fish jizz, thank you.” And the fisherman replies “No, you’re whale-cum”