What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

How I got over my procastination … I will tell you later

My workplace consists of 80% women and 20% men.. I guess you could say that we are under staffed

Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? It’s the VCRdvard

I once helped an elderly Japanese man cross the street. Afterwards he said, “Sank you.” So I punched him in the face. He didn’t have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.

My pet mouse “Elvis” died yesterday… He was caught in a trap.

At a Smucker’s family reunion… …there is at least one mother Smucker

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Why are thousands of kittens dying everyday? For some sick, strange reason, men enjoy smashing pussy.