I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.

[at subway] And just a little lettuce. *the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping* No wait.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt? I promise it’s not a pyramid scheme.

What’s the good word? Legs. Spread the word.

My iPhone could say that I have a voicemail from God and I still wouldn’t listen to it.

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

I’ve always wondered what lice do to you It’s a real head scratcher

Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?” Witness: “July 15th.” Lawyer: “What year?” Witness: “Every year.”

[guy next to me at urinal] “Is that a 5 or 6?” …about 5-1/2 I guess. “Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?” *zips up* No.