[wakes up & turns to wife] “I had a nightmare. You died.” “Aw. It was just a-” “Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Did you hear about the guy whose penis looks like Professor X? The resemblance is uncanny.

Why is santa so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live. Why am I so jolly? I stole his list.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick? Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter. Harry: Got your nose! Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

I need a new therapist. After a long session with my therapist describing all my various problems, she asked if I’d ever considered suicide. When I said no, she replied “Well, you should.”

Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”? Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh… Pitbull: Thanks!

I bet you $4,567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

39485 Sorry for the repost, but this is a classic that never fails to make me laugh!

Small cars are the best ones Only Smart people will get this

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.