Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas? Gloves! Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But, if roses were called “herpes” they’d make terrible Valentine’s Day gifts.

How do you know if a hippo is in your oven? The door won’t close

Why did u shoot ur wife ? Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover? Methew:Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

My girlfriend can manipulate the muscles in her fanny to make a shag feel like a blowjob. Ironically, when she uses the muscles in her mouth, she sounds like a twat.

What is the difference between Jedward and a vacuum cleaner? A vacuum cleaner only sucks when you turn it on.

Sometimes… when you cry … no one sees your tears… sometimes… when you are happy… no one sees your smile… But fart just one time…